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Recent posts

Shoulds and Shouldn'ts

One way you can start to play around with your thoughts is take a look at what your brain is saying SHOULD or SHOULDN'T happen and flip it and see what your brain can come up with.  I'll give you an example: The dog didn't get walked today and when he doesn't get walked he has tons of energy and barks a lot, chews things, and digs in the yard. You may be thinking thoughts like: "My husband should walk the dog." "The dog shouldn't chew on dirty diapers." "The dog shouldn't be so loud." "I shouldn't have to deal with this." Then later when you're pondering the situation and these thoughts, flip it around on your brain and try thinking: "In what way should the dog chew on dirty diapers?" (possible answers: "When dogs are restless and have access to dirty diapers they chew on them.") "In what way shouldn't my husband walk the dog?" (possible answers: "H

Questioning Thoughts

A client of mine who is trying to decide if it's time to leave her husband or not brought up some ways she believes her husband was trying to control her and make it so that she couldn't leave even if she wanted to. I sent her this message with my thoughts about this: "My main thought for you about that scenario is if you decide to leave nothing will stop you, not money, not your husband, not the timing. This thought/belief is available to you.  Right now you are choosing to think things like "If I'm only working 2 hours a day I won't be able to leave because I won't have enough money." I know that if you decide to leave you'll do whatever it takes to make it happen and take care of yourself and the kids. Try replacing some of your current thoughts with "I wonder why..." like: "I wonder why he doesn't feel like he is responsible" or "I wonder why he feels like he needs to say these things to me&

Not Good Enough

Sometimes my clients let me know that they are struggling with "not good enough" feelings. Together we work on believing that "if it happens it was meant to happen and that I am going to be amazing" and that is all so great.  We run models on what the "not good enough" thoughts create for them and then what the "I'm amazing" thoughts create for them. Sometimes they need a bridge thought to help them get from the "not good enough" thoughts to believing the "I'm amazing" thoughts, they might try one of these: "I'm going to be the mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter I've decided to be."  "I'm going to be a human mom/wife/friend/sister/daughter. " "I'm going to do my best." "I'm going to accept all parts of me, the good and the bad." Being human is amazing and incredibly challenging and it involves forgiving ourselves every day and trying again.

Willing to Feel Negative Emotions

I'm working with a client who is preparing to foster some children in her home. Here's a message is sent to her that I wanted to share here: "There is a very real possibility that you will take these girls in or other kids in, fall in love with them, and then not get to have them in your homes.  You understand this risk and it feels very scary. You have to decide if having them in your lives and in your hearts and getting to feel that love for them is worth the potential loss and heartache that may come.  That is the power of the model because we can let our brains go to the worst possible scenario of any circumstance and know that what will come with that scenario is negative feelings and we know how to feel negative feelings.  We know how to take the good and bad of life. We don't have to be afraid of negative emotion, because we know it is not dangerous. We know how to experience it. The upside of this is that you get to have the amazing loving and

New Favorite Hobby

I encourage my clients to work on spending time thinking new thoughts almost like it's our new favorite hobby.  To me that looks like intentionally spending time thinking about it and doing things to get better at it. It also looks like thinking about it when you wake up and when you're falling asleep at night. What else might it look like to you? What does it look like when you have a hobby that you're really excited about? When we think these new thoughts it's a gift we give ourselves and we do it because of how we get to feel and the brain space we free up when we do spend more energy and brain space than we need to on trying to solve possible potential problems in the future.

Relationship with God

I spent some time today talking with a client about her relationship with God and how she has some thoughts in this area that are not serving her.  She let me know that she did not want to believe that God takes away things from us in order to punish us, but when things go "wrong" in her life her first thought is usually something like "This is because God is unhappy with me." or "God gave this blessing to me and then took it away." I asked her to think about what she could believe instead.  I asked her to think about what else could be true. What beliefs serve her and create the relationship that she wants to have with God. I believe that some things are really clearly defined about His nature and His role in our life (like that we are created in His image, and that we are His children, and that living a righteous life and repenting when we don't are how we return to live with Him), and lots of it is not clearly defined because God w

The Result of a Good Boundary

A few thoughts on setting boundaries from love means that the goal result isn't that the person who the boundary is about won't get mad, the goal result is that you set intentional loving boundaries and honored them.  If you feel solid on the decisions you've made and the boundaries you've set and you've done it from love, then it will be ok if the person that the boundary is about likes them or doesn't like them, if they are angry or fine, if they create problems or if they're well accepted.  How they respond is out of your control and if they respond poorly or well just means something about them and isn't an indication about if it's a good boundary or not or a successful boundary or not or an appropriate/healthy boundary or not. It just means something about them.  What makes it a good boundary or not is if you decide it's a good boundary or not. What matters is if you like how you're showing up and you are getting the result